Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Phones down.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.