[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
what the
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
😂 amazing answer
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.