[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
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Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.