1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
You Might Also Like
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.