Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
philosophical skeletons be like
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂