GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.