I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!