Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I never needed anything more in my life
My dad is at it again
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.