My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
You Might Also Like
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
asked my bf how work was today
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Stop.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.