Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
You Might Also Like
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.