How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
You Might Also Like
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
sugar glider wrangler
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Erm I’m gonna say no
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…