“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
guys i’ve cracked the code
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?