Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
March 16
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.