so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows