Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat