Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work