We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
need a new bf mines broken 😐
X-tra spooky blend
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”