FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
prepare for carbonated trouble
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty