Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Proctology is located in A55
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.