“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
You Might Also Like
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda