*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God