Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair