Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You had me at “define legal”.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.