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ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Just parrot things
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
#dalle2
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review