Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
You got this…
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that