Is this the real life?
Is this just
You Might Also Like
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!