please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
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Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!