When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
i can’t wait that long
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
That’s incredible! 👌
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.