I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!