If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Just say no
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
new career option?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*