Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?