How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent π€·π»ββοΈ
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Iβm now at an age where I can use phrases like βIβm now at an age.β
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hellβ¦
men whatβs stopping you from looking like this
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”