Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out