SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
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him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose