[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
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How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The best plant holders?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”