When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
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Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Me :
All Day At Night
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout