Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!