how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
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GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Alexa: *deep breath*
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
😂😂😂
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*