I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.