I have no passwords left in me
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
🤣🤣💀
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt