My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Taliband
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no