Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
tis the season
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high