First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea