Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
In case you needed to hear it:
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way