*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
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One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I just tested negative for patience.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?