Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit