Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”