nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.