I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The pasta is now
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”