wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Anime is real
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.